A matter of trust
by PadyandMoony
Summary: Castle isn't willing to just shove his reception under the rug in Driven. How would things progress? This starts right after they've discussed the DMV being hacked and before Castle and Beckett go home. My stories are NOT FOR BECKETT LOVERS.


**Summary:** Castle isn't willing to just shove his reception under the rug in Driven. How would things progress? This starts right after they've discussed the DMV being hacked and before Castle and Beckett go home.

**Warnings:** My stories are **NOT FOR BECKETT LOVERS**. I am not bashing her, but I am discussing her flaws and hurtful actions that were not discussed on the show. I do not do the same for Castle because his hurtful actions were hashed and rehashed on the show repeatedly. I want to find a balance. No one is perfect, but no one is so imperfect either. No one should get automatic passes just because. So, in my stories I discuss exactly that. I discuss situations where Beckett got free passes while she shouldn't have. I also discuss the double standards. Things that give Beckett certain rights on the show but where the same does not apply to other characters. Or things that condemn Castle, but when Beckett does them are completely dismissed. So, if you can't read a criticism towards Beckett without being offended. Stop, don't go ahead. You've been warned.

**"A matter of trust"**

"Whoever took you isn't just anybody to have that reach," Ryan added as the conversation became stale after he had explained about the DMV having been hacked.

"Yeah," Castle grunted. "I'm going home."

"Yes," Beckett nodded. "Going home sounds about righ-"

"_I'm_ going home Detective," Rick turned to face the detectives in a cold tone of voice after giving himself a bit of distance from them. "You three can go wherever detectives go."

"Castle, look," Beckett tried.

"No, you look. I get that the last two months weren't easy for you. You went through a lot. But I went through a lot considering I had just hung up with my fiancé telling her how much I loved her and couldn't wait to be married to her and then woke up to Detective Beckett grilling me like a suspect. Maybe I needed my fiancé, my friends. Who know _me_. Who should have known I would never leave you all without as much as a note. Who should have figured out I wouldn't put camp by the side of the water after they spent so much time teasing me for my preparedness for Hurricane Sandy. Who have always benefited from my unquestioning loyalty and this is the third time I've needed yours and the third time you've failed me. Instead I once again got three great _cops_. Congratulations!" he finished spitting the last word turning around to try to calm himself.

"Look Castle, you need to understand we were just following the evidence," Espo tried.

"The evidence against you was pretty damming on that case with your former partner Ike. The evidence said Kate killed Vulcan Simmons. Never stopped me from trusting either of you, yet me. Six years later, and I'm still having to prove myself," he opened his eyes wide and pointed at himself. "_I'm not_ the runner in this relationship. _I'm_ not the one who pretended not to hear my declaration of love for a year. Who questioned our relationship at every murderer who said any little thing that meant we couldn't work. Who was shopping around because I played _one_ video game. Who wanted to cancel the wedding and I had to pep talk her. Who lied to me and was ready to dump me and move to DC. Yeah, you followed the evidence, except when following the MO you followed the wrong one. _Kate's_, not mine. I'm the idiot who stayed for a month being humiliated by her and her new boyfriend and then instead of staying away when I finally decided to leave," he gave a derisive laugh, "I came back to be shot at and arrested without being able to explain anything, like you know, we usually do before shooting someone," he mocked and Ryan looked uncomfortable, "and then I stayed, to be kicked again and again and I still stayed. To be put in the shelf until I had the files Kate needed, and I came back. To be accused of betraying you when I was trying to protect you from yourself, and get kicked out again, and I came back because I thought, finally. Except not, right? Because you have these rules for me that didn't apply to Demming or Josh about PDA, and keeping our relationship a secret. And not wanting to announce our engagement. Because you were ashamed weren't you?" he asked tired. "How close where you to jumping ship when they called you about my car?" he asked sadly.

"I, Castle, no, you got this wrong Babe, the evidence said…"

"You were my fiancé. You knew _me_. The evidence shouldn't have been enough to sway you. I've seen you ignore evidence because it didn't make sense. But here, you didn't give me the benefit of the doubt. You three never do. I do. All those times I came back I really believed in the good that there is in the three of you," he said sadly. "But with me, no, I'm always _guilty_ before proven innocent with you, and I've finally realized you've been judging me based on what _you_ would do, not what I would do," he shook his head. "And I'm tired. And I want go be with the only people who seemed happy to see me. Mother and Alexis. You guys. Right now, I can't even look at you," he finished walking fast to the elevator he had just seen stop at the floor so they couldn't follow him.

"Babe, no. I'm sorry, you just need to understand," Beckett tried to catch up, but the elevator doors closed in her face. She looked back at the other two detectives who looked down awkwardly.

* * *

"Are you okay dad?"

He looked at his daughter sitting next to him on the couch and hugged her close. He had been lost in thought. He had explained what they had found to his redheads. He considered saying yes. She was his daughter and his impulse had always been to protect her from the harshness of the world, and the fact that he hadn't been able to, that he had been the reason she had suffered these past months, really hurt him. But looking at her he saw his little girls wasn't little anymore. From what they had told him of what was going on here he surmised Alexis had been the one to keep things together.

His mother, well, was his mother. He loved her deeply, but a good head in an emergency she was not. And from what they said Kate hadn't been by. She had turned finding him into another crusade. He understood. If she disappeared, he wouldn't have rested until he found her. But he would like to believe he would have given her the benefit of the doubt when he found her. That his first assumption wasn't that she had run of her own volition. That first he would make sure she was safe and sound. He would have welcomed her, kissed her, before he started asking questions.

If she had been so worried about him, so determined to find him, why had she rejected him when she first saw him? Because that is what she did. Did she make him her crusade because she loved him and couldn't imagine her life without him, like he did for her? Or did she make him her crusade because Kate Beckett needs a crusade and she had just finished her last crusade a week before he had disappeared? Considering her actions today he could not say. But what he did know from what he heard from his girls is that she hadn't done what he had asked her, what she had promised all those years ago, and looked after Alexis. Alexis had looked after herself, and his mother, and maybe even Kate. So, he owed her the truth. To this person who had kept everyone afloat.

"I don't know sweetie. I honestly don't know."

"You shouldn't have left the hospital."

"I'll go see my doctor tomorrow. I'll ask him to check me thoroughly," he was really sore. He had a splitting headache and his stomach wasn't agreeing with the food his girls had made him eat. He hoped he could keep it down long enough not to worry them more though. "But I had to defend myself. I was being accused of something I didn't do. I don't need my memories to know I would have never done this of my own volition. There has to be an explanation."

"Is that why Katherine didn't come home with you darling?" his mother asked. "Is she still suspicious of you?"

He frowned at the thought, "No, now that she has _evidence_, she believes me," he said, the word evidence leaving a bad taste in his mouth. That she would need evidence to believe in him after all these years. Hadn't he more than proved he loved her? That she could count on him?

"Richard-"

"Please don't mother," he cut her off. "I don't want to have to be upset with you too. Over the last six years I have been nothing but loyal to Kate. She shouldn't need evidence of my innocence. She should have questioned the evidence of my guilt. All so very neatly planted and having nothing to do with my character. Seriously, with the money and connections I have what kind of moron thinks I'd camp out in a tent in the woods? And after all the years I've crafted perfect crimes on paper, and solved them on real life, why the hell would I keep my immaculate tux and watch nicely hung on said tent with my DNA? Things which whoever abducted me had access to, by the way? And the piles of newspaper, seriously? And I would leave myself in a dinghy in the middle of the ocean without any supplies to die if not for sheer dumb luck? _I _would do _that_? Of my own volition? Did I shoot myself too? And how can a respectable ME like Lanie not ask for scans? X-rays? All she did was look over my body and ask for a simple blood panel.

"I mean, anyone with half a brain would look at that and scream staged. These three intelligent detectives fell for it? No, they were eager to fall for it because it fit their narrative that I ran. If they had used even an inch of their brains or their knowledge of me, they would have realized something was really wrong and tried to find out what? But no, once _again_, they decided to believe I was guilty regardless of how ridiculous the "evidence" was, and they accepted it without questions to be able to convict me. These people who are supposed to have my back. I would never and have never done that. I would and have given them the benefit of the doubt. I have never been given that choice and have always had to prove my innocence myself against them. And no, sorry mother, but today I'm too frayed. To stretched thin to just smile and pretend they didn't hurt me, like I always do. I stood by her on a bomb for crying out loud and the next week she is doubting my commitment and kissing another man! I did that back then. I smiled, pretended I wasn't hurt and apologized. _I _was the one who apologized, not her after cheating! Not this time mother. This is one time too many. I need time before I'm able to look at her without anger again. Give me that time."

"Dad's right Grams. I wasn't okay with her asking us if dad looked like he would bolt. And I know she said she didn't believe he would. But, if she didn't, she would have cut that line of inquiry before coming and asking us. She did, but after we defended him. She probably felt ashamed in face of our conviction. Didn't last long though. I didn't say anything at the time because I felt like I didn't have the right. To pile things up on her. But she lost her luster to me that day. And what about us? I thought we were family, and yet, aside from that time she came to _question_ us, the only times we saw her was when _we _went to check if she was okay. She completely abandoned us as if we weren't suffering too."

"She talked to us when she went on television to plead for your father."

"Because I was the one to come up with that idea and mobilize Paula and Gina. I'm the one who went to ask her to do that, and had to convince her to get over not wanting to expose her life to public scrutiny to do it. Other than that, we only got radio silence from her. We were the ones initiating any contact."

"Well, she was going through a lot-"

"And we weren't?!" Alexis asked offended. "Dad is the only parent I could ever count on! You'd think she of all people would understand how hard losing him would be. Would be sympathetic! I was the same age she was. We always excuse anything bad she does as 'well, she went through such a trauma losing her mother over a decade and a half ago we need to be sensitive and cut her slack as if it had happened yesterday.' Well it did happen yesterday for me and yet she couldn't be bothered to cut me slack, to support me! No, once again we were the ones supporting her as if she was the only one suffering. Just like that time she was shot and the only feelings that mattered were hers! Why wasn't she here so we could support each other?!"

Rick hugged Alexis back to him. God, his baby had been going through so much with no support. "I'm sorry pumpkin."

"Not your fault daddy. You were the victim."

"I know, but you have no idea how much I wish I could have prevented your suffering."

"She could have helped," Alexis muttered. "I don't understand how you are okay with this Grams."

"I'm not okay with this. I am just trying to understand her side. Of course, I was hurt she disappeared on us!" Martha said agitated.

"Maybe if we stopped enabling her, she'll start thinking of someone other than herself," Alexis muttered, and Rick couldn't help but smile at her mutinous expression. He agreed.

"She's right mother," he said squeezing her hand. "I love Kate, but if we are to share a life together, this has to stop. I can't spend the rest of my life having to prove to her things I have already proven several times over. Our marriage will never work that way. She needs to trust me and I her. And she needs to keep her promises."

"What promise?" Martha asked.

"She promised me that if anything ever happened to me, she'd look after Alexis, and she didn't. She promised she'd call in a couple of days. She didn't. We were in a relationship, there was an implied promise of fidelity and of sharing important things that happened to us and yet she had no problem kissing Vaughn, or going of and accepting a job without even informing me, much less asking my opinion. Why should I believe her vows when we take them are going to be any different to her? That she just won't break them when it's convenient, if she can't keep a simple promise like calling or a very serious one like making sure Alexis was okay. Alexis is, for my ever-lasting horror, a young adult. It's not like she needs to change her dippers or anything. No, just pick up the phone every now and then and check on her, and she didn't. But most of all, she needs to stop judging my actions by her actions. Alexis is right. I always just shove my hurt feelings under the rug enabling Kate. Enabling her to do things like this, and then she thinks I'd do things like this. I would break a promise. I would run from our wedding because she would. And the funny thing is, I wouldn't have believed she left of her own volition, even though she has more than proved she would - wouldn't be the first time she ran. But I wouldn't because I would never do that. So, I couldn't fathom her doing that. So no, we both need to start judging the other by what they would and have done, not ourselves. She hurt me mother. And this time she will have to make up for it. Batting her eyelashes and taking me to bed won't be enough."

"Ew dad."

"I know sweetie, your innocent virgin virtue won't allow you to think of me that way."

"Now who's deluding themselves," Alexis snorted.

"La, la, la, la, la," Rick covered his ears.

* * *

"Are you okay?"

A hand started rubbing his back and held out a glass of water to him. He rinsed his mouth spitting on the toilet bowl and flushed.

"Peachy, I like grabbing the toilet like that for fun," she looked unimpressed at his sarcasm. He had tried to resist for as long as he could. Thankfully his mother and daughter had already gone to bed, but in the end, he ended up throwing up pretty much everything he ate. He knew he shouldn't have tried to resist. His body was rejecting the food for some reason and resisting was both bad for him and futile. But he just hated throwing up. He was one of those persons who had empathic gag reflex. Seeing vomit made him want to vomit, even his own. So, yeah, he hated it.

"You should see a doctor."

"I was seeing a doctor. Granted, not a very good one. But still, I was in a hospital. But then I had to leave AMA because the woman I love and trust doesn't trust me," he said simply sitting back on the floor and leaning his back on the wall and closing his eyes. He thought he didn't need to throw up anymore, but he also didn't think he was ready to get up. He wondered when exactly had she arrived. He hadn't heard the front door.

"I thought I'd give you a bit of space, so I filled out the paperwork on the case before coming, but I see you're still upset."

He opened his eyes and looked at her sitting on the bidet. Higher than him. That had always been the case, right? There never had been a balance in their relationship, she was the high goddess who he and everyone else pretended could do no wrong, even when she did, and he was the lowly criminal who should always be questioned no matter how many years he spent proving himself and be super thankful when she deigned show him affection.

"I'm hurt Kate. Deeply, deeply hurt. And angry. That's not going to disappear with a kiss. But I don't see why you would want to kiss me or assure yourself I'm fine. You certainly didn't earlier at the hospital."

"The evidence-"

"I _really_ don't care about the evidence," he said simply and tiredly. "So, if your excuse is 'I am a cop and I'll accept stupid, really ridiculous evidence over the people I know,' you can turn around because you clearly haven't thought at all about what I told you."

"But I am a cop!" she cried indignantly. How could he not understand that, she thought. He looked at her.

"I'm a writer, I get that. Being something. Writing is in me. Even if I had become a lawyer, I'd still be a writer. Even if just writing for myself. But even with that encompassing thing that being a writer is, I am a father first. And a fiancée. I'm in love with you first. I love James Bond, have written tons of fanfiction on James Bond, and yet, when I was offered to actually write James Bond for real I couldn't, because I already loved you then and being with you just came first."

"The deal you got with Nikki Heat was better," she tried to protest even though she knew he was telling the truth.

"No, actually, the deal was the same. Same money, and I could have written Nikki too. Before spending so much time volunteering for the NYPD I used to write several books a year," he shrugged. "I could have easily written both. But to do that I'd have to stop shadowing you, and even spend some time in London for research, and that… I couldn't do that, regardless of my all-encompassing wish to write James Bond. So no, I'm a cop is not good enough. Not to mention you were being a pretty bad cop which I know you're not. That evidence was so staged Sarah Grace would know it was staged, and yet you didn't," he scoffed. "That's not the Detective Beckett I know. If the victim was anyone but me, you would have questioned that evidence."

She winced because he was right. When she was filling out the paperwork, she realized that she should have asked herself why someone with Castle's means would camp in the woods. And that was just being objective, thinking as an unknown person with those means without remembering that time last summer, before she had to report to DC that she asked if he wanted to go camping near her dad's cabin. Castle had made a face at the cabin, she knew why. The cabin held no good memories for him. That's why she thought they could change that. But he had asked.

_"Why can't we stay in the cabin? With the indoor plumbing and the walls and doors. I really like the walls and doors. They stop the bears."_

_"You weren't afraid of the bears when you thought we were hunting Yetis."_

_"Yes, because you had a gun and we were awake. Here you'll be asleep. That's when they attack. And the bear won't be satisfied with you, you don't have enough meat. You'll barely be the appetizer. No, I'm going to be the main course."_

And while he had tried to hide it within jokes, she had realized he had been genuinely afraid of being attacked by all kinds of animals once he let his guard down. And that his fear wasn't really rational, since he offered to camp in the desert. According to him, no animals in the desert because it was deserted. She hated to burst his bubble and completely flawed logic.

Except today she used completely flawed logic to fit her narrative that he had abandoned her. Why would she do that?

"I don't know. I don't know why I did what I did. Okay, you're right. I have always looked for a reason to bolt, but not because I don't love you," she said quickly. "I do," she kneeled down in front of him taking his hands that had been on his bended knees. "I do, so much. I don't know why I do that. My dad said once I self-sabotage. Back when I was considering the DC job."

"Which you took without consulting me. Did you really think I wouldn't support you? All I wanted was to be a part of the decision. Of your life. But it's like you said. It's your life and there is no room for me, for sharing your life with me."

"Of course there is!" she protested.

"This can't work without sharing, without trust," he insisted.

"I trust you," she tried again.

"No, you don't," he shook his head sadly. "And you proved it today. And honestly. Right now, I don't trust you. I don't trust you not to continue looking for every reason this won't work. Convincing you this will work at every second of the day is exhausting Kate. When are we finally going to get to the point where we can let our guard down with each other? Be comfortable that the other isn't going to run screaming to the hill. Did you know I like to wake up at night to watch you sleep? You know why?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Because it's the only time you let your guard down. You always wake up before me and by the time I wake up, even if you have your pjs on and came back to bed, you've already combed your hair and applied makeup. I never get to see you just as you woke. It's like you don't trust me to see all of you. But the first time I showed you all of me. Was comfortable with showing you all of me, you saw that as a sign of me taking you for granted and let Vaughn woo you in four hours, as opposed to the four years you held me at bay. Have you noticed I haven't played online video games with you in the loft anymore?" he asked her and she shook her head. He needed her to understand this. Today they were tested, and they failed. If she didn't understand how unequal this relationship was, how he was always on guard, waiting for the next thing that would make her run, and how that couldn't last. That a constant state of fear would not make a lasting marriage, then they were doomed before they even started. "Not because I don't like to play them. I do. That's part of me. But I'm scared shitless you're going to see that as another excuse to bolt again. So, I too keep my guard up. And I don't do anything that isn't going to allow me to completely drop it the second you call, like playing a game with someone else. That can't go on Kate. That's no life. And that is because you don't trust me. You don't trust that I'm not taking you for granted if I take the time to finish something I started with a real 12 year-old boy across the globe. And you don't trust me not to run from my wedding, even though I'm the one who's wanted the domesticity from the start and you're the one who still has her old apartment, just waiting there in case you need it."

"I never noticed. You still play video games," she said quietly.

"Only ones I play by myself," he shrugged. "That I can just shut down immediately. But this isn't about video games. They are a small example of something bigger. If I can't commit to play a game with someone else because I have to be ready at attention when you call, then how can I do anything else? But the same doesn't apply to you. Quite the opposite, you get pissed if you are not allowed your own me time. And yet I'm not allowed mine. We both should be allowed me time without the other thinking that means we don't love them anymore. But at the same time we can't be planning for failure. Because if we are, then we aren't giving this a fair shot. We need to be able to know that if the other one is in the other room doing something else, and asks for a moment to finish something up before giving their full attention it's okay. But that is completely different than keeping a backup plan for the moment the relationship fails. I'm jumping into this relationship with both my feet. I don't have a backup plan. If you suddenly decide to dump me, pretty much most of my life goes to shit, pardon my French. My writing revolves around you, my work with the precinct. This loft stopped being just mine since that very first night. Actually, before that night. You're everywhere here. But you are not. You're keeping one foot out. You always have some reason not to fully commit. It's like we take a step forward in this relationship and then you backtrack us 10 steps back again."

"I, know. I didn't notice. I, it's my place. My home. That's why I keep my apartment."

"No, this is your home," he motioned to the air around him. "From the second you said yes to sharing a life with me. You lived in that apartment before you started sharing the loft with me for what? Two years. Three if we count the year we started dating. If you were talking about the apartment that burned down. I get there was a bigger connection there. That place probably represented your independence. Growing up. You'd been there for years and years. But the place you have now? How attached could you have become to a place you're barely in, considering your hours, in two measly years? You've shared the loft for just as long. This became your home. Or, if you don't like the loft, then we can look for somewhere-"

"No, I love the loft," she cried. She could never imagine this place not being here for her, welcoming her. But she had needed to know she had a backup plan.

"And yet you weren't here during my disappearance."

"You weren't here-"

"It was still _your_ _home_. Mother and Alexis are _your family_. You left them. Even though you promised to look after Alexis if something happened to me. Something happened to me Kate, and where were you?"

She winced. She had completely forgotten that promise. She was so immersed in looking for him she didn't think about anything else. Had time for nothing else other than his case.

"I was working your case."

"Because you loved me or because you need a cause? Because it was a fix, like when you couldn't let go of your mother's case to see anything else in front of you?"

"I-" she just looked at him lost not knowing the answer to the question.

"I'm thankful you were looking for me. But you can't think I would have wanted for you to fall into the rabbit hole again. Looking for me is one thing. Not allowing anything else in your life, that's not okay," he let go of one of her hands and rubbed his face tiredly. "This isn't working."

She was shocked, was he breaking up with her? "No, don't give up-"

"Who said I'm giving up?" he looked at her as if she'd grown another head. "I just mean we need to fix this. We need help Kate. Our marriage won't last this way. Not when you'll just be waiting for an excuse to leave and I'll be terrified of making the slightest mistake. I'm talking about counseling."

"Oh- do you really think we need that? I love you, and you love me so why would we need counseling?"

"Yes, I really do," he insisted grabbing her hand again. He took a big breath and continued, "I love you more than anything. But we need to fix this. We need to understand why this is happening so that we can have a good life together and not keep always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to be able to think about something I want to do in two, four years and the fact that you will be by my side be a given in my mind and not wishful thinking. Most people don't go through life expecting the worst all the time or thinking only the fairy tale is life. That's not daily life. Daily life is routine, we mostly do the same things over and over again with surprises in the middle to make life exciting. If we trust each other, then it's not boring, it's comfortable. It's good. The problem comes if we don't trust each other. If we don't, then we're always worried the other person isn't satisfied. Is going to run. Understand, this is different from taking for granted. Taking for granted is what happened today. Treating me like crap like you guys did today and thinking I should just be okay with it," he insisted. He really wanted her to understand the difference. "Or not ever thinking of the other person when making decisions. Is never doing something special for your loved one.

"But trusting you can just lounge on the couch reading and be comfortable with the other, while each one does their own thing, and is not going to run thinking you are not giving them attention. Not expecting something special and exciting every single moment and still believing the other loves you. That's trust Kate. That's marriage. Being there for each other for the good, the bad, the exciting and the mundane. And knowing they will all come."

She nodded. She had never thought of things that way. Before Castle, boyfriends never shared the mundane. They were gone to their homes. But Castle was right. He had always wanted her there. Not just to meet up for dates, but just to lounge around on lazy days. She was the one who insisted on going back home if they weren't going to do anything special. "Okay, whatever we need to fix this."

He smiled and tried to get up but had a dizzy spell. She helped him up.

"But you need to see a doctor."

"I'll go tomorrow."

"I'll go with you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you today. That won't happen again."

He nodded and hugged her, like he had wanted since he woke up. They weren't anywhere near healed but at least she was listening and willing to work for their life together.

* * *

Almost a year later, they found themselves surrounded by their family and friends again. The road here hadn't been easy. There had been tears and a lot of talking about each other, about their doubts, fears and vices. They had both worked to make the other more comfortable. And Kate had to work to fix the relationship she had unintentionally broken with Alexis and Martha. They had both gone to counsel therapy and private therapy. Something Castle made mandatory to the entire family citing that his abduction was traumatic for everyone and there was no way they could pretend nothing happened.

In her private therapy Kate had learned of ways to open herself to the fact that she wasn't alone anymore. She was an only child of well-off parents who never had to think much about others while growing up, that was her parents' job. And once she did grow up, tragedy struck and she had to take care of herself, but only that. She got used to only thinking about how things affected her, and herself alone. She also realized that much like her father, she was an addict. Except she was an addict to going rogue, being the lonesome hero. Which was why she had fallen so deep on her mother's case and in Rick's abduction, not seeing anything other than the case. Rick was right. While what propelled her to start investigating was her love for Rick, what kept her going, and taking time off so she could dedicate herself exclusively to the search and kept her isolated was her addiction. Her belief she could do this alone and that she was the only one who could do this. Whereas she would have probably gotten more results had she brought others into the circle. Had shared her findings with Alexis and Martha, for example. Gotten to bounce ideas from other people, but her obsession didn't let her see that and she almost lost everyone she cared about, while at the same time making no roadways into the investigation.

Rick on the other hand had realized that Alexis was right. He did enable Kate by always just forgiving her without expecting any redemption from her. And that wasn't her fault. That was something he had developed throughout the years of feeling rejected by his father and mother. The logical part of him wanted to rationalize that his mother had no choice. She was a single mother doing her best and didn't want to blame her for his hurt feelings, so he had pretty much never expected any better from anyone. Never believed he deserved better. So, he also needed to take her to task when she (and others) did something that hurt him. And not take any blame other people threw at him lying down. Take responsibility for his actions, and his actions only. He had just let people blame him even when he wasn't to blame. He needed to reach a middle ground. They both did. A balance, where one wasn't more important than the other, and both were liable for their actions and only their actions.

Rick had also had to work to get his body healthy again. His doctor visit had revealed he had probably been tortured with chemicals and electroshock; he was certainly not fed properly which was why his stomach was rejecting food in the beginning. There were traces of chemicals which would explain his memory loss. Or, one of the doctors posited, him not making new memories while drugged and therefore not absorbing what had been happening around him while he was captured. They had no idea why. He had come close to remembering something during a very convoluted case involving the fake Jenkins, some guy who claimed to have been erased from his youth and how he had supposedly saved the world and left his family of his own volition. Rick and Kate pretended to go along, because they had agreed together that whoever went to these lengths had to be very dangerous, and if they pretend to believe, took the out that was being given, at least their family would be safe. But they both agreed the story looked too much like one of his books to be real and thought that a much more plausible theory, with a lot less holes than the CIA story was that whoever took him did something similar to the victims of the EHI Organization, in the case of the murdered man in room 147, to make him have false memories.

His relationship with Espo and Lanie had been strained since. Lanie, because she should have looked for all his doctors found, but she hadn't. Because what mattered to her was to prove his guilt. And while she mellowed about him leaving her friend after she saw the result of his exams, she never actually owned up to the fact that she had let the ball drop, and that didn't sit well with Rick. He was the first to admit people weren't perfect, made mistakes. To him, making mistakes wasn't the unforgivable, but not admitting to the mistakes and apologizing was the problem. Because to him that meant the person thought what they did was okay. And he had finally realized that the way he had been treated on several occasions by the boys and Lanie was not okay, and was not willing to continue taking their barbs lying down.

Espo, because even after showing the results of the exam, he still acted as if he didn't truly believe Rick and that killed any trust Rick had on the man.

He was still polite to them. Civil. Worked with them. Joked around. But there was a limit to where he allowed them to reach his life. To what he trusted them with. His continued association with them was more because Espo and Lanie were Kate's friend and he'd never make her choose than because he held any fondness anymore. And it showed. Espo had attacked him verbally one too many times to be anything other than colleagues.

Ryan on the other hand had apologized and the others had told him how up until that morning Ryan had been his staunch defender. He didn't get why that horrible evidence was enough to sway him. But at least the man was sorry. While Rick would never trust him the way he had trusted him before, they were friendly.

But he felt he and Kate were stronger now. And it showed. Just the week before, when Kate had taken command as Captain of the 12th, some guy called her giving her an AG distress code. The Kate that he woke up to in the hospital would have ran headlong and alone to whatever danger the guy posed. Instead she called for a team to meet the guy. The team managed to subdue the hit squad that had been sent and she had passed the case along to some three-letter agency woman who came to claim it. The Kate of old would never have done that. He had been so proud of her. She had truly shown she was ready to be a Captain and married. To place the wellbeing of her family and precinct before her wish for adventure.

They had considered moving their wedding date when Captain gates informed Kate of when she was to take command of the precinct, but Gates had guaranteed she had everything squared out with the brass. After all the wedding had been scheduled for months and they had had to wait a whole year so Kate could accrue vacation days for the honeymoon, while the brass were the ones who couldn't wait two weeks for Gates to take over her new position. So, during their honeymoon Gates would be keeping an eye on the precinct for her. Making sure everything was running smoothly, for when she returned.

Alexis, on the other hand would be keeping an eye on the PI firm for him. He was venturing to the private sector now that Kate had an administrative role and they were strong enough to survive not working together. To be partners in what mattered, life. They had also decided to start trying for kids now that she wasn't on the field anymore. And they didn't know it yet, would find out only on their return from their honeymoon, but their first child had not waited for mommy and daddy to be officially married to take residence on mommy's womb. All in all their future looked promising.

**The end**

* * *

Thank you for reading and for reviewing. I hope you enjoyed!

A/N (not necessary to read if you are not a Beckett lover who read the story despite the warning and who intends to flame me. But if you are, please read my reasoning before getting up in flames, it's always nice to be informed when insulting others): How Alexis's trauma was dismissed by Kate as her exaggerating kind of bugged me. Throughout the whole show Kate's trauma are always the hot topic. What has to be taken into consideration above all else, and yet, just a few weeks after she got her father back Alexis had to be okay with everything? I felt that was pretty inconsiderate of Kate. I liked Castle's talk with Alexis and even him letting his mother and Alexis pamper him (even if that was a little self-serving) because he did something Kate didn't allow Castle to do when she had been shot, which is certifying themselves the danger had passed by caring for the person. I believe that they have shown Castle's personality to be exactly like that, and even Alexis, even though she still has the remnants of childhood in her actions. So, I believe Alexis would be upset at her feelings being ignored by Kate.

I'm not dismissing Kate's efforts to find him, but we were never told why Kate did that interview that Tyson used, but I can't really see her doing that of her own volition. I mean, look how long it took her to put a simple announcement on the paper of their wedding or how she didn't like being interviewed in season 2, or how she didn't like being followed by cameras in season 5. If there is one consistent characteristic throughout the show is how Kate is a very private person who does not like media attention. I had a hard time believing she would come up with something like that. That would come from the people used to using the media like Paula, Gina or Martha, who make a living out of the media, or Alexis, who grew up with her father and grandmother on the spotlight. Doing something like that would be second nature to them but not to Kate. To Kate, doing an interview would be something really foreign. Not something she would think of.

I kept this to a one shot because I started this story more or less at the same time than the Alternate Rise story I am writing, and I didn't want to be repetitive. There are some things I can't help but repeat because, like I said, the problem for me with the character Kate Beckett is how they never allow her to grow. When you think she's finally grown, she backtracks and repeats the same mistakes. Because if I list all the mistakes, they come down to being different versions of two big problems: she doesn't trust Castle and she is very self-centered. And I believe there were plenty of times when we could have thought, right, now she's changed. She's become that extraordinary, empathetic person Castle is always talking about, but somehow isn't coming through. We'll see the famous Kate Beckett now. Now she's going to start trusting Castle and seeing that the world doesn't revolve around her. And for a few episodes we're happy thinking she got there and then bam! The show-writes hit the break and backtrack violently, and we had Beckett of the first episode all over again. So, in the end, regardless of which of the many instances we want to use as our starting point, the problem is the same and therefore the solution is the same. And I didn't want to repeat myself so much. So I kept this short.

You'll notice I used the same explanation for Castle's missing time as I used in 'Compulsive Liars'. I honestly think something of the lines is the only thing that would be in character with the Castle they had shown for 6 seasons. I think the writers probably had something more interesting planned but then they were faced with two problems and had to come up with something new fast, and it showed. Keep in mind this is my speculation, none of us actually know what happened. This is just me trying to make sense of why they would go so very much off the rails and out of character.

At the end of season 7 they didn't know if Stana Katic was coming back and probably wanted to start sowing doubts on Castle the super loyal lover so they could separate them. Which I don't understand, they could just have kept them married and Kate off-screen either as a Captain or as a Senator.

But they didn't, instead they came up with something which goes against the way they portrayed Castle up until that moment. Seriously, the guy chases her for four years to first get a chance, then he is the one always working for the relationship while she is the one always pulling away. He stands next to a bomb with her ready to die just so he won't leave her alone and that guy would just go off to work for the CIA without a single phone call? And then stay away for another six weeks to investigate Locksat? That makes no sense with the character. Would make sense with the character of Kate Beckett. She actually did go undercover without knowing what was waiting for her or how long she'd be in season 6. She did go interview for the job in the Dc without telling him. She went off after Maddox and other instances that I won't bore you with. But Castle? Just doesn't add up.

The Locksat explanation was even worse. To me they realized the public was not happy with Kate Beckett with the whole Locksat thing and wanted something on him to make her crime okay. Kind of like with the whole "you lied to me" on Season 4. They actually have Kate saying that he has no right to be upset about her lie after he lied to her. And have him acting out so once again Kate comes out smelling like roses despite her actions.

Unfortunately, that is not just a Castle problem. I've seen that method used in other shows. Where the person they designated as the perfect one screws up really badly and instead of addressing that, since they are the perfect one, they have the one they designated as the imperfect one screw up, and since they are the imperfect one their crime actually counts while the perfect one's doesn't. I saw that a lot with Peter and Neal on White Collar, and the producer one time actually stated that to him it was really clear, Peter was the cop so he was always right (even when he broke the law for selfish reasons) and Neal was the criminal and therefore was wrong (even when he broke the law to help others). We see the same here with Beckett and Castle. I don't know if it's because she is a cop and he isn't, if it's because she is the woman and he is the man, or it's just Marlowe was in love with Stana Katic like some in this platform have hypothesized. For whatever reason. We see that a lot here and therefore I try to find some way of justifying it.

Honestly, the reasons why they did what they did continue to be pure speculation and have no bearing on my story. I am just trying to work with what canon gave us and don't really care for the reasons behind the scenes. In the end, that is what we do here in fanfiction. We take the characters and the story as they were presented to us and we tweak that. What happened to the actors, producers, writers to give us that story is irrelevant to what we are doing here. So, I'm okay with discussing the fictional story and the characters, but once again I repeat, I will not tolerate flames that discuss the actors', producers' or writers' lives. Couldn't care less and quite frankly, I find it creepy to get so worked up about them. I wish I didn't have to repeat myself, but I face this problem every time I post a Castle story. Getting flamed about the actors. Not my story, or what I've written, but the actors. So please don't.

Sorry for the long explanation, but I do this to try and avoid the flamers. I've never had this problem with other fandoms. Not flamers, those are present in every fandom, but in other fandoms they have always limited themselves to complaining about the fictional characters, never the real people behind the scenes, and honestly, never as aggressive as I've faced here. I finished this story two months ago. And it took me those two months to decide to post because I didn't want to have to deal with people who tell me I should kill myself because they like this or that actor (by the way, I've received those kind of flames from people supporting both lead actors, before anyone decides that's a nice flag to pick up). I am not discussing them. I do not care about them. They're only use to me is when they are interpreting their respective characters and I see them on the edited final version of each episode. And that is what I am discussing here. The **fictional characters** they interpreted. Reviews complaining about the actors will not be tolerated, replied to, and if anonymous, will be deleted.

After my last story I seriously considered just deleting all anonymous reviews without reading, since ffnet doesn't allow to block anonymous reviews, which makes me have to read the flames too. But that would be unfair with the non-flamers. But I will do it if once again the Castle fans see fit to attack my person, to call me names, because of their feelings about the actors. Understood?

Let's all try something new, where we only perform constructive actions, not destructive ones.

For everyone else who is polite and normal (I want to believe the majority of people are constructive, not destructive), I hope you had fun and thank you for reading!


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